


Some Two Years Ago

by ThymekeNerada



Series: Like a Lifetime [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, set during ME2, talking through Alchera and Horizon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 09:57:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8745760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThymekeNerada/pseuds/ThymekeNerada
Summary: 2185 CE, Citadel: Shepard and his crew are ready to go through the Omega 4 Relay to take the fight to the Collectors. But first, Shepard needs to see an old friend one last time: Kaidan Alenko. Shepard knows that this is a conversation that won’t be easy. Too much has been left unsaid when they met on Horizon. 2183 CE, Zanethu: Some two years earlier, Shepard and Kaidan got stranded on the former Prothean colony of Zanethu when a deadly storm ravaged the surface of the planet. Fighting against exhaustion, injury and time, they were forced to reveal how they truly felt about each other.





	1. Silhouette

**Author's Note:**

> Horizon never quite sat right with me. Kaidan’s anger and hurt were just so… deep. I’ve always wondered about that. I wanted to try and get to the bottom of it – my take at it anyway. I don’t think Shepard really “got Kaidan” either, therefore his reactions to Kaidan’s accusations always felt vastly unsatisfactory to me. But what if they had had another chance to talk? Before Shepard chooses to leave Cerberus? While I mulled it all over in my mind, this fic was born. Very angsty in the second half, but with a hopeful ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are my greatest muse. The chapter titles of this fic are taken from songs without which I could not have written it. For this chapter it is the song “Silhouette” by Aquilo. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47h0grWTHjs)
> 
> A great thanks to my beta-readers for this chapter: @potionsmaster and @danteswombat. You are simply the best!!

_Zanethu, Ploitari System in the Hourglass Nebula, 2183 CE_

Zanethu is a post-garden world made uninhabitable by a mass extinction event which occurred at some point in the planet’s past, but the cause of which remains unknown. For all Shepard cares, it’s just a fancy way of saying that Zanethu is hell frozen over and nobody knows jack about how it ended up this way. Being down here is no walk in the park. The atmosphere is not toxic per se, but the levels of oxygen in the air are just a little too low, the levels of carbon monoxide just a little too high for it to support regular oxygen-breathing or plant-based life forms. Far worse, though, is the fact that the planet is ravaged by snow and dust storms which hardly ever let up. They had to orbit the planet for hours before a window of opportunity opened up which allowed them to conduct a planetary excavation operation.

“Admit it, Kaidan, you wanted the Commander all for yourself,” Joker taunts over the comm.

“If I did, the Citadel would be the more fun place to do that,” Kaidan replies.

Joker chuckles. “Ah, come on. On the Citadel you have the added problem that someone or other always insists on tagging along. The crew goes all chaperone mode on you and the Commander.”

Shepard rolls his eyes at their quips but continues to slowly guide a huge chunk of metal through the air and into a cargo box with the help of his biotic powers. The metal alights with a resounding clank. Shepard sighs. His concentration is starting to run thin. He rolls his shoulders and bends his neck in an attempt to relax his back. He really doesn’t understand why they are on this planet when they should be out in space, rallying support and preparing the galaxy to defend itself against a Reaper attack. But the Council members are still not convinced that the Reaper threat is real, so they are doing nothing about it. Instead, they sent the Normandy on a mission to destroy any Geth that retreated to the Terminus System after the Battle of the Citadel. Shepard is frustrated to do what feels like running errands for the Council when they should be focused on tackling the real threat.

While scanning for Geth in the remote Ploitari System, they discovered hitherto unknown Prothean ruins on Zanethu. The Ploitari System is off the regular travel routes through the Terminus System and the results from their probes indicate that the settlement is not particularly big. And yet, Shepard cannot help but wonder why the colony wasn’t discovered during earlier planetary scans. Liara begged Shepard to be allowed to study the planet for at least a few days. She insisted there might be a chance that they make another discovery like the ones on Eden Prime and Ilos, now that they have an idea what they are looking for. The Terminus System did not belong to the heartland of the Prothean Empire, and settlements here are likely to have been remote outposts, the last strongholds to fall during the Protheans’ war with the Reapers. They might find some clue that can help them figure out more about the Reapers and the final years of the Prothean Empire.

Shepard gladly agreed. Anything that points them in the direction of the Reapers is better than hunting down Geth. Liara’s scans came up with some interesting readings, so they went down to the planet for on-site excavations. Liara has returned to the Normandy since, taking along with her the first set of objects that she wants to take a closer look at. Shepard wanted Kaidan to accompany her back to the Normandy, but Kaidan insisted that it was safer down here if two people had each other’s backs. Joker, who is bored out of his mind by their research mission, keeps them company over the comm.

“Joker, you have no idea,” Kaidan scoffs.

“Yah, maybe I don’t,” Joker replies sarcastically. “But I’ve seen you guys return to the Normandy after your outings into the Citadel wards. What else is there to know really? I still remember that one time when…”

Shepard runs out of patience and intervenes. “Cut it out. Now. Both of you,” he orders.

“Aye, aye, Commander!” the two say in unison. The comm goes silent after that. Shepard is glad. That way, he can store away the last item – a small, black globe – into the box without causing any more damage.

He tends to be very indulgent with his crew. Sometimes a little too much, he fears. When they make jokes at his expense, they do it in good fun, and Shepard usually laughs with them. It doesn’t undermine his position. They still respect him as their commanding officer and Shepard would rather have an amicable relationship with those who serve under him than one that is characterised by awe and aloofness. But sometimes it just gets too much and the innuendo goes too far. They are still Alliance soldiers. He doesn’t like it when they imply that he acts in violation of the fraternisation regulations. He would never misuse his authority and compromise his people.

Shepard activates the lock on the box. He takes a step back and looks around. Towering grey and black structures stretch out in all directions, the weather-beaten remainders of a Prothean settlement. It speaks volumes of the architectural ingenuity of the Protheans that some of the buildings have withstood the hostile environment. According to what Liara told him, this planet was once teeming with life, covered by verdant forests in its median latitudes and inhabited by a diverse fauna. It’s hard to imagine now. Whatever it was that happened here, it irrevocably ended life on Zanethu. A shudder runs down Shepard’s spine as he tries to imagine what it must have been like.

“Commander…”

Shepard snaps out of his ruminations. “Ready for pick-up,” he announces on the comm.

“Yeah, about that,” Joker says. “We have a tiiiny problem.”

“Better tell me right away, Joker.” Nothing ever seems to go as planned.

“There’s some data we couldn’t properly interpret earlier. An atmospheric anomaly. We thought it was just a regular snow storm...”

“But?”

 “Turns out it isn’t. This thing is electromagnetically charged. It’s been brewing while you were down there collecting nice little souvenirs. It’s headed in your direction and it’s nasty. The shuttle can’t go down to pick you up, it’s too dangerous. You have to find a way to get to safety and wait for the storm to pass.”

“How long till it does?” Shepard asks.

“Couple of hours, hopefully. A day tops.”

“Wait a sec, doesn’t a day here equal 56 earth hours?”

“Yup.”

Shepard sighs. “Ok, got it.” Nothing ever goes as planned, that’s a fact.

“Ahm, Commander?”

“Yah?”

“It’s kind of urgent. You better hurry.”

“Got it,” Shepard confirms. “Anything else we need to know? Anywhere nearby where we could get protection from the storm?”

“Shepard.” This time it is Liara who speaks over the comm. She tries to hide it, but Shepard can hear the worry in her voice. “Your best chance is to go underground. Prothean cities usually extend deep into the ground. Try to find a way below the surface and get to safety there. Take care.”

 

_***_

_Citadel, 2185 CE_

Shepard stares at the datapad in his hand. There is no room for misunderstanding the message displayed on it, not really. It consists of only four sentences. But something urges him to read through it one more time, just to be sure.

_Alright, let’s meet. It seems really important to you. You’re lucky I happen to be on the Citadel. Next week Tuesday, 8pm, Presidium Commons, in front of the Relay Monument._

_Kaidan_

Shepard sighs, lowers the pad and kneads the bridge of his nose close to his eyes. It is true that he contacted Kaidan and asked to meet him. If Kaidan picked up on the urgency of the message, Shepard must have made it sound… compelling. He _wants_ to see Kaidan before they go through the Omega 4 Relay and launch what his squad now lovingly calls their “suicide mission” (he certainly didn’t choose that name). But the thought of actually meeting Kaidan makes him feel restless. They didn’t part on good terms on Horizon. They said hurtful things, and Kaidan left seething with anger and resentment.

When Shepard sent his message, he felt that he needed to say so many things, explain so much. Now that their meeting is only a few hours away, he doesn’t think he will have the courage to tell Kaidan any of it. He might not get a second chance however. “Suicide mission” is not exactly a misnomer.

He stows the pad away and leans on the railing in front of him. He’s standing in one of the Citadel’s docking bays. His ship, the Normandy SR-2, is docked within sight, waiting to head out into space again. She’s beautiful, Shepard thinks. Without her, he could never have gotten this far. Her former incarnation first brought him here, to the Citadel, the centre of galactic power. Letting his gaze wander, Shepard can spot the arms of the space station stretch out for miles and miles towards the sun, harbouring a high-rise city scape bustling with activity. The light of the sun is spilling out over the wards and paints them in bright colours of blue, green and grey. It’s a breath-taking view.

Shepard vividly remembers the first time he visited the Citadel. Having grown up as a spacer kid, he’d been all over the Systems Alliance Space, and even the Attican Traverse. But the Citadel was special. He had never seen anything quite like it. The sheer size of the Citadel, the free mingling of species from all over the galaxy, the knowledge that this place had existed as a hub of the galactic civilization long before the humans made their appearance a few years back: it was amazing, and to be frank, quite humbling.

A memory flashes in front of his eyes. He’s standing with Kaidan and Ashley in the wards at another viewpoint, silhouettes against the city lights spreading out before their eyes. The spot is not unlike the place where he’s at now. They, too, are looking out on the Citadel, trying to take everything in. All of this is new to them, and they can feel the cautiousness, even disapproval humans are met with everywhere.

“We’ve got oceans, beautiful women and handsome men, this emotion called love. According to the old vids, we have everything they want,” Shepard joked in an attempt to ease the tension which they all felt. To which Kaidan responded: “When you put it that way, there’s no reason why they wouldn’t like you. I mean us. Humans. Sir.“ Ashley frowned and said: “You don’t take much shore leave, do you, Lt?”

Back then, Shepard just shook his head, smiling to himself, and didn’t think much about the comment. Ashley and Kaidan liked to tease each other. Kaidan was overwhelmed with the grandeur of the Citadel and the newness of the situation as they all were, and generally a little awkward with words. He didn’t mean anything by it. In hindsight, Shepard can see that it wasn’t Kaidan who was overwhelmed with the situation, but he himself. It made him blind for what grew right in front of his eyes.

Not even three years have passed since that day. And yet, it was in another life. Ashley is dead. And Kaidan? Shepard doubts that he will ever be able to regain the easy camaraderie he once shared with his staff lieutenant. He needs to meet Kaidan regardless. For old time’s sake.

 

***

 

Back in his cabin on the Normandy, Shepard takes a shower and gets ready for the evening. This shouldn’t be a big deal, yet he is going almost out of his mind trying to decide upon an outfit to wear. There aren’t very many items in his wardrobe to begin with. Now every last one of them is scattered on his bed and on the sofa.

Shepard pauses and looks around to take in the mess. How did he end up here? He’s going to meet the man he once considered his closest friend. Something casual should do just fine. For all he knows, this meeting might not last more than five minutes. But he wants to look good, too. He ends up settling on a pair of jeans and a leather jacket with a red stripe down the right shoulder and an N7 log emblazoned on the chest. The jacket is the flashiest item he owns. He might not be an Alliance officer any longer, but he still feels entitled to wear it. He’s an ICT grad and nobody can take that away from him. Not the Alliance, and most certainly not Cerberus.

“I’m heading out,” he tells EDI when he enters the elevator.

“Commander, I detect that the communications device in your omni-tool is not operational. You must have inadvertently deactivated it.”

Shepard folds his hands behind his back. “That didn’t happen by accident, EDI. I chose to deactivate it.”

“That is not advisable, Commander,” EDI retorts. “I highly recommend that you keep it activated at all times. If you fail to do so, I might not be able to track you.”

Shepard distributes his weight evenly on both legs to plant himself more firmly on the ground, waiting for the elevator doors to open. “Did it occur to you that I didn’t want to be tracked?”

“Negative. I don’t see why you would willingly expose yourself to such a risk. If something happens to you, I might not be able to inform the crew and start a rescue,” the ship’s AI objects.

“I’m sure nothing of the sort will be necessary,” Shepard replies as he makes his way through the CIC towards the airlock. He doesn’t intend to explain to her his wish for privacy.

“Are you deserting the ship before the suicide mission, Commander?”

Shepard decides it is better not to reply to this.

“That was a joke,” EDI explains.

“A poor one. But you’re getting there.”

“I detect that your blood pressure and heart rate are higher than usual. Are you feeling stressed?”

Shepard shakes his head. “I’m fine EDI.” He goes on to reassure her: “I know what I’m doing.”

“Very well, Commander.”


	2. Echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get more heated on Zanethu. Or rather, more electrifying. 
> 
> Some two years later, Shepard and Kaidan are unable to get past Horizon. It’s the same argument all over again. This is not how Shepard wanted things to go. But what *does* he want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter is Jason Walker’s “Echo” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxpLxb5jHO0)
> 
> This chapter is really only Kaidan and Shepard being mean towards each other. They need to get it out of their system. It gets better from there, I promise.

_Zanethu, some two years ago_

“Kaidan?”

“I heard it, Commander. Gotta get underground. Where do we start looking?”

Shepard frowns. His mind races as he tries to come up with an idea. “I saw something like a chute running down the side of a building. Maybe the entrance to some kind of ventilation system.”

“You better be right about that. I don’t think we get second chances.” Kaidan lifts his hand for Shepard to see. Shepard realizes right away what Kaidan is trying to show him: small sparks fly around the tips of Kaidan’s fingers and evaporate with sizzling sounds.

Shepard looks up and curses. This planet’s sky is concealed by thick clouds of dust and there’s a constant haze of sand and snowflakes hanging in the air. What little light gets through casts an eternal twilight on the ground. They had no way of knowing that a storm was coming before it did. “Stay close,” Shepard orders.

By now, not only is it small sparks that materialize around their hands and the tops of their heads, but much more sizable power surges that jump from one extremity to another. Their suits are built to shield off electricity, but high voltage for an extended period of time will eventually breach them. Even now the shield integrity is depleting. If they don’t want to be electrocuted… “Run!” Shepard shouts.

With Kaidan close on his heels, he rushes to the chute-like structure. He hurls his biotics at it. The metal tears open with a creak to reveal a gaping black hole in the ground. Shepard urgently hopes this thing is some kind of duct that connects up to a ventilation system. He tries not think about what else it could be. Like Kaidan said, they don’t get second chances. Shepard jumps. And plummets down, down, down.

He hits against grids and railings jutting out from the interior of the chute. Luckily his suit absorbs the damage. Eventually, he crashes onto a concrete landing. The impact knocks the air out of his lungs, but his military training kicks in and he instinctively rolls to the side to make way for Kaidan who lands right next to him. Kaidan groans.

“You alright, Lieutenant?”

“I think so.”

Shepard activates the torch of his omni-tool and looks around. They find themselves in a straight, narrow passageway. They can’t be too far beneath the surface. Rays of light fall in through the duct above, and similar gloomy patches of light can be seen on the ground of the passageway in regular intervals.

“Let’s get moving. I don’t think we’re safe here,” Shepard says.

While they move along the passage, Shepard tries to reach the Normandy to update them on their status and ask for further intel. The line stays dead. The comm links have broken off. The electromagnetic waves of the storm are most likely interfering with their transmissions. He and Kaidan are on their own.

The passageway takes a sharp turn to the left and then suddenly opens up to a wide hall. The cavern-like structure is huge. Shepard’s torch is unable to light it out in its entirety. Massive columns run up to the ceiling that remains hidden in the dark. Some of those columns must have broken down over the centuries as large chunks of debris lie scattered all around. Statue-like shapes litter the floor, crooked against the tall columns. Most of them show signs of damage, some are completely shattered.

“I like the atmosphere of this place,” Kaidan mutters.

“I didn’t know you were into horror movies, Lieutenant.”

“What? If I keep telling this to myself, I might actually start believing it,” Kaidan retorts sarcastically.

As they make their way across the hall, they pass by some of the statues they noticed earlier. Shepard illuminates a couple of them with his torch: the statues are worked to depict humanoid shapes in greatly distorted postures. Some are kneeling on the floor, some are crouched down, some have their heads thrown back, some have their arms stretched out. Everything is covered in a thin sheet of ice, the statues glisten eerily as the light of the torch bounces off them.

“The Protheans had a macabre sense of aesthetics,” Shepard remarks.

“Am I the only one who gets a feeling that these… things… are not actually statues?”

“What do you mean?” Shepard asks.

“Look at them.” Kaidan says. “Those poses. They look like they are… in agony? Have you ever seen pictures of the victims of Pompeii? Ancient empire of Rome, back on Earth. These… things. They give me a bad dejà-vu.”

“There is a certain… similarity, yes.” Shepard can feel the flesh at the back of his neck tingle. He wishes Kaidan didn’t put thoughts like these in his head.

“Gives me the creeps.” Kaidan shudders.

“Yah, this is some disturbing stuff right here.”

“I don’t know.” Kaidan shrugs. ”Some crazy art collector back on Earth would probably pay us a fortune for one of these.”

“Huh. People get their kicks out of all sorts of things. None of our business. Let’s keep moving.” They continue through the hall, climbing over rocks and trying not to look too closely at the statues.

They hear a rumble up ahead and the entire hall is shaking for a moment. A few seconds later, little pieces of rock rain on their heads, hit against their armour with a clonk and fall to the ground. Shepard and Kaidan exchange a glance. The Protheans built their cities to last, but they won’t endure indefinitely.

“Marvellous. Our options are getting cooked by lightning or being buried alive, take your pick. Which one do you prefer, Shepard?” Kaidan asks.

“Neither one,” Shepard replies dryly. “The structure will hold out. We are not dying on this planet.”

“I wish I shared your trust in Prothean statics.”

Shepard grits his teeth and stomps off. They can’t go back up. They can’t stay in this hall. They have no readings of their surroundings, don’t know where they are headed. They are going blind. All they have are their instincts and hope, but he’d wagered his life on these two things before. He just wishes it was his life alone that depended on it.

Another tremor rips through the hall and even more stones and sand rain down on them. Shepard braces himself against the rocking of the ground under his feet. It’s a struggle to remain standing. The electromagnetic fields that built up in the atmosphere and came rolling into the city with the storm must be discharging their power in huge spikes of lightening to cause this kind of reverberation. Quite the spectacle going on up there, Shepard thinks.

He only catches sight of the column when it is almost too late. It is falling their way. He pushes Kaidan in one direction and flings himself in the other. The column crashes down between them. Suddenly the ground is not just shaking, but giving way underneath them. They are falling, falling through the ground in a cloud of debris. The whole world narrows down to the feeling of vertigo. And then it simply goes black.

When Shepard comes to, everything around him is pitch dark. As he sits up, small rocks tumble away from him down to the ground. He takes a moment to listen to his body; it still reels from the shock of the impact, but he doesn’t seem to be severely injured.

“Kaidan?” he asks into the dark. Nobody answers. “Kaidan, are you there?” he tries again. Again, no answer. Shepard pushes back the panic that starts to rise inside of him. Now is not the time.

They are separated.

 

***

_Citadel, 2185 CE_

Shepard is notoriously late. He’s never on time to a social appointment. It’s a bad habit, no doubt, but usually he’s the one who keeps people waiting. Those who are close to him know of his quirk and have made peace with it in their own ways.

He arrives at the Presidium Commons half an hour early. Seeing as there is still time to kill, he decides to take a stroll along the bank of the Presidium lake and enjoy the surroundings. The atmosphere around here is really soothing.

For the second time today, a memory flashes in front of his eyes. “I like the fountain. It’s very soothing,” Kaidan had said when they first climbed the many flights of stairs to the Citadel Tower. The whole structure was designed to intimidate, but of course Kaidan would pick out such a minor detail and comment on it. Shepard can’t help himself, he has to smile. Kaidan always knew just when to say something inappropriate. Shepard liked him for it, liked Kaidan’s wry sense of humour which he used to cover his shy awkwardness.

“Use your eyes!”

Something brushes his shoulder. Startled, Shepard spins around just in time to see a Turian woman shoot him a withering look, angrily shaking her head, before she turns around and resumes walking. He didn’t even realise she was there. A shudder runs through is body. He’s not properly aware of his surroundings and this lazy attitude makes him vulnerable to everybody who might look to exploit a weakness in his defences.

What is up with him? Why does everything about this place suddenly remind him of his first visit to the Citadel? He never used to be this distracted. If it wasn’t for his ability to put all else aside and focus, he wouldn’t have come this far. The Skyllian Blitz, the N7 training, working with Cerberus to fight the Collectors. He wouldn’t have pulled through. Why is it so difficult for him to concentrate now?

Shepard has never been good at disentangling and interpreting his own emotions. Is he simply “distracted”? Or is distraction just the catch-all phrase he learnt to use so he wouldn’t have to probe deeper into the nature of his feelings? If he’s completely honest with himself, he’s been feeling off balance for quite some time now. Little things can make him nostalgic when he isn’t caught up in the mission. This didn’t use to happen.

When Shepard’s steps lead him back to the Relay Monument, Kaidan is already waiting for him. He holds his arms crossed in front of his chest. His whole posture is one of rejection. Shepard’s heart sinks.

“You know. I really don’t see the point of this,” Kaidan blurts out. “If you’ve come here to convince me that Cerberus are not the bad guys and that you are actually doing the right thing, save your breath. You are wasting your time.”

“I didn’t want to…” Shepard begins, but Kaidan doesn’t let him finish.

“Then what _do_ you want, Shepard?” White hot anger is woven into Kaidan’s every word.

“I’m not sure. I guess…” Shepard gives a helpless shrug. “I guess I hoped that we could talk.” He trembles slightly. He doesn’t know himself like this, evasive and confused. His usual wit and steadfastness seem to have left him and he’s flinching away under the onslaught of Kaidan’s words. The Kaidan in front of him is so different from the Kaidan Shepard used to know.

“What about?” Kaidan snarls. “There’s nothing I have to say that I didn’t already say on Horizon.”

“Oh. I… I’m sorry. In that case…” is all Shepard manages to say before his voice trails off. He blinks. The conversation is over before it has even really begun. Now Kaidan will walk away. He will walk away and out of Shepard’s life, and Shepard might never see him again. And suddenly it hits him. He gets why he’s been feeling distracted, miserable even.

Once Kaidan is gone, he will be alone. Again.

He has been feeling lonely ever since Cerberus brought him back. Sure, the Illusive Man helped him recruit a good team. Shepard and his new crew have been through a lot together, and Shepard considers them as friends by now. But it’s not the same.

He misses his old crew, the crew that served under him on the Normandy SR-1. Even those who are back with him – they have changed. Wrex stayed back on Tuchanka. Sidonis’ betrayal has made Garrus bitter. He keeps to himself, busies himself with “calibrations”, all in an attempt to avoid talking to Shepard. Tali is preoccupied with the safety of the Quarian fleet and suspicious of Cerberus, even if she doesn’t openly express it. Joker’s guilt keeps him from connecting with Shepard – he blames himself for what happened to his CO. They are still struggling to rebuild the easy relationship they used to share.

Meeting Liara on Illium felt good. Shepard breathed a sigh of relief into her neck when she greeted him with all the warmth of their close friendship and immediately pulled him into a tight embrace. But she was too busy, was too caught up in her own problems to return to the Normandy. She saw right through him, however, saw his loneliness, and came to visit him on the Normandy after they defeated the Shadow Broker. Shepard knew that Liara had always carried a torch for him, and that night… he was very much tempted to share something more with her. But he didn’t. And she couldn’t stay. He put off the ache he felt after her departure as just another sign of the growing distraction he needed to get under control.

Kaidan jolts him out of his thoughts. “You like sushi?” he asks.

“What?” Shepard wheezes. He looks up in confusion, looks into Kaidan’s face. It’s set in a deep frown, mouth held in a straight line.

Kaidan sighs. It’s a small sound that speaks of his exasperation. He explains: “There’s a sushi place in the wards which is kinda good. I’m hungry. Let’s go have dinner.”

Shepard doesn’t object.

 

***

 

They hire a small transportation shuttle to get them to the lower wards. The journey is spent in uneasy silence. Kaidan ignores Shepard and stares out the window of the shuttle. Shepard tries to concentrate on the route they are taking, but he can’t keep himself from stealing sideway glances at Kaidan. He tries to guess what Kaidan is thinking about, what motivated him to invite Shepard for dinner. Shepard is relieved he gets this chance. He knows he can’t make it right, can’t fix their broken relationship. But just for now, it’s enough to be in Kaidan’s presence, to pretend they are as they were two years ago: two friends heading to the wards for a night of fun and exuberance.

They dock at a lively boulevard. Small groups of people throng the streets, laughing and chatting, couples stroll along shop fronts arm in arm, and shuttles whizz by over their heads. Bright red tube lights reading “Ryuusei” shine from the facade of the restaurant towards which they are headed. Shepard knows this place: it’s Miranda’s favourite. Quite a posh establishment, he remembers.

“Stay here, I’ll try to get us a table,” Kaidan says. Shepard nods.

While he waits for Kaidan, he observes his surroundings. It always amazes him how easily some people seem to enjoy themselves in large crowds. While Shepard is not averse to gatherings of people, he can’t quite get used to big cities. He grew up on space ships and small to middle-sized space stations. He’ll always be puzzled by how people can put up with all the flashing lights, confused noises and never-ending bustle on a daily basis. If he were ever to settle down on an actual planet, he’d prefer something a little calmer and more remote. Kaidan used to talk a lot about the orchard his parents own in British Columbia. He spent large parts of his pre-Jump Zero childhood there, climbing up trees, plucking fruit, lying in the grass and playing on the bank of a small stream. From the way Kaidan got all excited when he told Shepard about it, Shepard knew those were Kaidan’s best memories. Shepard always thought the place sounded charming. He would have liked to visit it some day with Kaidan.

“We’re lucky, they got a free table for us,” Kaidan announces, beckoning for Shepard to come inside. The Ryuusei is crowded and Shepard has to pass by a line of people to get inside the restaurant. As soon as they have entered, a waiter signals for them to follow him and he leads them to a table on the far side of the restaurant, close to an impressive fish tank. Shepard looks around. All the other tables seem to be taken.

They sit down and look through the menu. Shepard still feels like a neophyte to urban culture (and in many ways probably always will) and the heights of Japanese cuisine is not exactly something his Alliance training prepared him for. Luckily, Miranda invited him to this place before and gave him a basic introduction, so he has a rudimentary grasp of what dishes go together and what he can order without making a fool of himself.

He’s not familiar with the choice of alcohol on offer though. He didn’t ask Miranda about that because back then he’d gone with ordinary beer. Now though, he needs something a little stronger. He orders a cocktail with a pleasant enough sounding name. Judging from Kaidan’s reaction – he raises an eyebrow on Shepard – it is not the most appropriate choice. Shepard can see why when the waiter places a glass with a bright green liquid in front of him. It looks poisonous. Shepard has a vague feeling that he might have ordered some of the stuff meant only for Turians.

“What would you and your companion like to eat, sir?” the waiter asks Kaidan. _Companion?_ Shepard gets flustered. He can feel the heat rising in his cheeks and just hopes it doesn't show. Does the waiter assume he’s Kaidan’s date? If Kaidan heard it, too, he does an amazing job hiding his thoughts. 

“I’d like some of the… uhm… that soup?” Shepard stammers.

“Miso soup, sir?”

“Ahm yes, that one. And some… tempura?” Shepard prays he just ordered the fried little vegetables.

“Of course, sir. Anything else?”

“Sushi…?”

“Which one?”

Any which one, Shepard thinks desperately. “The one with… uhm… egg?”

“Tamago suhi?”

Shepard just stares at the waiter.

“Of course, sir.” The waiter looks sceptical, but he scribbles down something on his pad anyway.

When it’s Kaidan’s turn to order, none of the words that come out of his mouth make any sense to Shepard. He squints. He tries not to get irritated at Kaidan’s nonchalant manner. He’s doing it on purpose to make Shepard feel even more like an idiot.

Once the waiter has left, Kaidan turns his attention to Shepard. He narrows his eyes on him. “Now tell me, why did you ask to meet?” When Shepard doesn’t reply immediately, Kaidan continues: “It sounded urgent. You seemed… I don’t know.” Kaidan shrugs.

Shepard wonders what Kaidan read between the lines of his message. He tried to keep it cool and casual, but his voice must have betrayed him. He probably sounded way more desperate than he had intended to. “I wanted to talk,” he says.

“Yeah, I get that. You already said so,” Kaidan rolls his eyes. “But something about your message. I don’t know. It seemed really important? It’s why I came. I am ready to listen. Figured I owe you that much.”

Shepard needs to drink. He takes a sip from his strangely green cocktail. A bitter taste crawls up his tongue and spreads in his entire mouth. He coughs. Urgh! Definitely the Turian-only stuff. It might easily knock him out if he isn’t careful. Then again, passing out might come in handy tonight.

Unlike two years ago, when he first tried this kind of booze. He overestimated his own staying power which resulted in him toppling off his bar stool and landing on the floor of the Flux. He snored against Kaidan’s shoulder in the shuttle back to the Normandy (Kaidan told him everything in excruciating detail later). Kaidan and Ashley had to drag him back on board and Joker witnessed the entire thing. Shepard woke up with a hell of a headache the next morning. If Kaidan hadn’t covered up for him that day… Shepard could have gotten into some real trouble with his superiors since he had a meeting scheduled with the Council in the morning. Liara and Kaidan tried to cheer him up afterwards, but Shepard became more careful and made sure his off-duty activities never again interfered with his mission.

Shepard’s inglorious bender was really only the climax to their adventures on the Citadel. Whenever the Normandy needed to enter the dry dock, or they were ordered to the Citadel on some Council business, they used the opportunity to head into the wards in the evenings. His crew members would take turns in accompanying him, but Kaidan was always there, on every single trip. Shepard needed to learn so much and Kaidan took him under his wings and guided him in the ways of city life. He got better at it, even though he never really fit in. He found out that he loved dancing, even though Kaidan laughed and told him that he might have many talents, but dancing was not one of them. Shepard didn’t care, he loved dancing regardless. It was a whole new experience for him. He’d been a dutiful son and soldier his entire life.

“What’s up, Shepard?” Kaidan asks. “Talk to me.” He taps his hand against the table impatiently. Shepard realizes that he got lost in his thoughts again.

The waiter places their food in front of them. Turns out tempura are the fried vegetables after all. Since Shepard can’t be bothered with chopsticks tonight, he told the waiter to bring him a fork. The waiter scowled, but Shepard threatened to use his hands in case he wouldn’t be obeyed. Shepard waits until the waiter is out of earshot – the man has probably lost all respect of him by now – before he begins. “On Horizon… you were angry…”

Kaidan cocks an eyebrow. “Huge understatement.”

“… and…”

“Just for the record: I still am,” Kaidan adds.

“… you said a lot of things. I couldn’t reply properly. I think I owe you some explanations.”

Kaidan gives a dry laugh. “You damn well do. I can’t believe it took you so long.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “Cerberus? How? How could you betray everything that we stood for?”

“Let’s not talk about Cerberus,” Shepard says. He means it. He doesn’t want to do a re-run of their conversation on Horizon. He’d much rather know how Kaidan has been. He wants to apologize for leaving him in the dark, wants to explain why he had to do it.

Kaidan frowns. “It’s kind of the elephant in the room, don’t you think?”

“We talked about this on Horizon. I don’t know what else to tell you. I know this is hard for you to believe, but I’m not working for Cerberus. They gave me a ship and a crew, and they are giving me resources to fight the Collectors. I’m using them. That doesn’t mean I trust them. I don’t.”

“Is that what you are telling yourself?” Kaidan huffs. “Is that how you can live with it? How can you be so naive?”

Shepard starts to get irritated, just like on Horizon. Kaidan’s accusations sting. “They are right about the Collectors. They need to be stopped. You saw what they did on Horizon. An entire human colony, wiped out just like that,” he clicks his fingers vehemently.

“How does this change anything?” Kaidan protests. “Have you forgotten about what they did? ExoGeni ring a bell? Thorian creepers? Turning people to husks for research, godamnit! Cerberus is bad news, Shepard, and you of all people should know it.”

Shepard can’t hide his rising temper any longer. The Alliance’s unwillingness to step up and do something to save the human colonies has been gnawing away at him for too long. “The Alliance, the Council. They just sit there and do nothing. Cerberus at least is willing to take the fight to the Collectors.”

“And that makes it right, working with a terrorist organization?”

“The Collectors are working with the Reapers. That should take priority over everything else.”

“So the ends justify the means?” Kaidan asks sarcastically.

“In this situation, hell yes,” Shepard replies agitatedly.

“Are you listening to yourself sometimes?” Kaidan asks with a sneer. “You know who you sound like? You sound like Saren. When he was being indoctrinated by Sovereign.”

Shepard is left speechless. He doesn’t know how to react to this. Whether to react with anger? Or ridicule? Indignation? But inside of him, chipping away at his resolve, that small voice of doubt rears its head, growing louder and louder: what if Kaidan is right? Is he in over his head? Is Cerberus manipulating him? He isn’t as sure about the answers as he used to be. Shepard’s anger immediately deflates. He shakes his head. “I’ve not come here to argue with you, Kaidan.”

“I don’t see how this could not turn into an argument,” Kaidan remarks.

“There were… other things I wanted to talk about.” Shepard sighs. He puts away his fork, rubs his eyes. “I had it all figured out. Everything I wanted to say. How I wanted to say it. But now, I’m just, I don’t know anymore.”

Kaidan leans back in his chair. “Alright. I said I’d listen, so I’ll listen.” He gracefully scoops another roll of sushi into his mouth using his chopsticks (that jerk…) and chews. “Why don’t you start by telling me why you didn’t try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?”

Shepard needs to drink again. He takes a deep gulp and empties his Turian killer-drink. Should he order another one? Is it too early for that?

“Things weren’t that easy,” Shepard begins. He’s struggling to put the words together. Why is it so difficult to convey that inchoate something inside of him that wants to be uttered but doesn’t know how to. “I wanted to contact you, I really did. I wanted to talk to you. But when I woke up… I... I didn’t know what had happened. I had no idea that I’d been out for so long. That two years had passed. It was all a bit… much? And then Cerberus happened, the Collectors happened. I needed to act. Suddenly I was in the middle of it all and contacting you had become too risky. I didn’t want to put your career at risk. I didn’t want to put _you_ at risk.”

“Who says I wanted the coddling?” Kaidan objects. “You think I would have minded the risk? I would have followed you anywhere, Shepard. Thinking you were gone…” Kaidan’s voice cracks on that last word. He swallows hard before he continues: “But you, you just went and did what you wanted, because you always know best. You never gave me a chance to decide for myself what I wanted.”

“It never occurred to me”, Shepard admits.

“Of course it didn’t.” Kaidan lets out one humourless chuckle. “After Zanethu… I thought there was something.”

Shepard has another flashback. Kaidan’s hand entwined with his. His lips brushing against Kaidan’s cheek. “There was,” Shepard whispers.

Kaidan shakes his head slowly, disbelievingly. “And in spite of that, it never occurred to you that it would matter to me whether you were alive or dead.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Not fair?” Kaidan pushes his hand through his hair. “ _I’m_ the one who’s _not fair_?”

“I thought you moved on!”

Kaidan clicks his tongue. “I did. _I have_ ,” he says spitefully. It’s clear from the way he says it that it’s not true in the least.

Shepard freezes. He believed it. On Horizon, when Kaidan told him he had moved on, Shepard believed him. When Shepard requested Cerberus intel on Kaidan, what he learnt seemed to prove the point. Nothing indicated otherwise. This is the first glimpse he gets that tells him there might be a whole different story hidden behind Kaidan’s abrasive demeanour.

“I really messed up, didn’t I?” Shepard says in a small voice.

“Big time,” Kaidan replies slowly. “But why now?” He says more agitatedly. “Why are you telling me all of this now? Your message… asking, no _begging_ to see me? Shepard, _what are you up to_?”

“It’s nothing.”

“That’s a lie,” Kaidan says bitterly. “Why do you keep lying to me?”

“What do you want to hear?” Shepard asks, desperation rising in his voice.

“What is it you _want_ , Shepard?” Kaidan asks. “I thought we were finished. After Horizon, I wanted us to be finished.”

Shepard buries his face in his hands. He tries to shut out the world. How did it all go so wrong? None of this was supposed to happen. They used to be so close. He wants to have it back. He wants his friend back.

“Can we just pretend that the last two years never happened?” he pleads. “Horizon never did? Just for now?”

“How could we?”

Shepard shrugs wearily. “I don’t know. I just know that that’s what I want.”

“But Shepard…”

Shepard looks up. “You asked me what I want. _This_ is what I want. Just for tonight, I want my friend back.”

“Oh.” Kaidan goes very silent. He slumps down in his chair.

He looks so unhappy, Shepard thinks. Kaidan can’t give him what he wants. Shepard was an inconsiderate fool to believe otherwise. He was thinking only about his own wishes and needs, when Kaidan clearly needs something entirely different: he needs to be free of Shepard.

“I should go,” Shepard says. He realises that if he really cares about Kaidan, if he’s really his friend, he must respect his wish and not further prolong Kaidan’s anguish. He has caused him enough suffering. “Don’t worry, I’ll settle the bill,” he says as he rises to his feet. He waves to get the waiters attention and tells him with a gesture of his hand that he would like to pay.

Kaidan grabs Shepard’s wrist. “No, wait.” Is it only Shepard’s imagination playing tricks on him, or did he detect a note of alarm in Kaidan’s voice? “Just for tonight?” Kaidan asks.

Shepard nods.

“We could try, I guess. I…”

“Thank you,” Shepard breathes.

“You’re… welcome?”

Shepard smiles at Kaidan. It is the first genuine smile that crosses his lips tonight. He feels warm in a way he hasn’t in a long time. He hopes it’s not the Turian booze.

“So that means no more arguing for tonight?” Kaidan asks hesitantly.

“I would prefer it if we didn’t, yes.”

“Just … talking?”

“Like old times, yes.”

“I’d like that,” Kaidan says and smiles.

“Thank you,” Shepard repeats. “You have no idea, but… it means a lot. I really need that.”

The waiter arrives with the bill. He hands it to Shepard. “Sir, your bill.” All the while he throws a dismissive glance in Kaidan’s direction as if to say: “With all due respect, sir, but your taste in men is poor.” Shepard can’t help it; he laughs out loud. He couldn’t care less that heads are turned their way. That stuck-up waiter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my wonderful beta-readers humbyldefiant and wRexident. I’m just so lucky to have you!


	3. So Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Zanethu, Shepard finds Kaidan. But all is not well. 
> 
> Some two years later, Shepard and Kaidan have agreed to honour a cease-fire. Is it possible for them to "just be friends" once again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for this chapter is "So Far" by Ólafur Arnalds (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKy8dq06zjk).

_Zanethu, some two years ago_

Shepard takes a couple of deep breaths and tries to focus. He needs to find Kaidan. That’s his priority now. Nobody gets left behind. He refuses to consider that Kaidan didn’t make it and he might have to find his way out of here alone.

His omni-tool must have been damaged during the fall because the torch won’t come on again when he tries to reactive it. Luckily, he knows a way around this problem: he uses his biotics instead to cast light. Using biotic powers will naturally produce a weak, blue glow, but it is a side effect, and most of the power is channelled into more gross forms of energy. Shepard found out rather by accident that if he stimulates the eezo nodules in his body in the right manner, the biotic energy produced can be pushed towards the subtler electromagnetic spectrum rather than manifest as kinetic energy. If he calibrates the frequency just enough… a pale, yet much stronger blue light will radiate from his body. It’s not nearly as strong as the torch, but it has to do.

He pushes the light outwards from his body to illuminate more of his surroundings. Turns out there’s another level underneath the great hall, one almost as high as the one above, but not quite. If it was, they would not have survived the fall. Large heaps of rubble litter the ground, and the floor is broken up in many places. He starts climbing one of the boulders, but it gives way underneath him, he loses his footing and crashes into the rocks.

He is muttering a curse under his breath when his comm crackles. “Commander?”

Relief washes over Shepard. He sits up. “Kaidan, where are you? Are you alright?”

Kaidan’s voice sounds strained. “I’m good, Commander. It’s just – my leg.”

“What about your leg? Where are you?”

“I can’t get up.”

“ _Where are you_?”

“I don’t know. Let me try to…” The comm crackles again, then Shepard hears Kaidan cry out in pain.

“ _Don’t_ try to move. Just stay where you are. I’m coming for you.” Shepard orders.

“I don’t think I’m going anywhere any time soon.”

Shepard climbs on the remains of a collapsed column to gain some high ground. Kaidan can’t be far away. He channels more energy into his biotic light to push it out even further. It takes up a lot of focus and, after a day of biotically pushing and shoving around rocks and crates, it’s starting to wear him out. Playing light bulb, this is not how biotics are supposed to work. At least he gets a good view of the hall now. Finally, he spots Kaidan. The lieutenant is lying on a piece of rock some fifty to sixty meters away from him. Shepard tries to make out a way towards Kaidan’s location, but can’t find one because where there should be a floor there’s only a gaping black chasm. Liara was right, Prothean cities really do extend deep into the ground.

Shepard needs to hurry. More of this structure might come crashing down any time soon. Well, there really is no other way. He can feel the adrenaline rush through his body, his heart beats wild against his chest. If there is another, safer option, Shepard can’t see it. He slowly breathes out and focuses. His whole body tingles with energy as he prepares for the charge. He runs towards the chasm, propelled forward by the force of his biotics, then takes the leap. He reaches the other side, but barely. He has to throw his whole weight forward to not topple back off the ridge. He comes down heavily next to Kaidan, breathing hard.

“Are you crazy?” Kaidan growls. “You almost didn’t make it.”

“Well, I did,” Shepard remarks laconically.

Another rumble from up ahead rings in their ears. They are running out of time. The earth is shaking again and the whole ceiling will come down at any moment now. He grabs Kaidan’s arm and slings it around his shoulder.

“What are you doing, Shepard? Don’t…” Kaidan protests.

“Shut up!” Shepard bellows and moves towards an opening in the wall. The opening is not far, but pulling Kaidan’s weight slows him down. It might just be too far. He sets up a biotic force field and puts all his strength into extending it to encompass Kaidan as well.

“Go!” Kaidan shouts and pushes Shepard away and into the direction of the passage. Rocks start falling; a particularly big one is headed straight at Kaidan. Shepard pushes out the barrier towards Kaidan but it is not enough, he can’t make it this far.

“No!” Shepard drives the force field outward from his body. It takes him all he has to actually force it _upward_ , towards the rocks. It crashes against the rocks and explodes in a blast of blue light which pulverises them. Dust comes raining down.

Shepard struggles to stay on his feet. He has depleted all his biotics and feels drained. Flashes of light are dancing in front of his eyes and the world is spinning out of control. He can’t seem to focus. He stumbles in the direction of Kaidan.

“What were you thinking?” Shepard hisses. He’d shout if he could.

“I…”

“We need to move.”

Kaidan doesn’t try to put up any more resistance and lets himself be dragged towards the passage by Shepard. Once they got a cover over their heads, Shepard breaks down. They tumble to the ground in a heap of armour and limbs. Shepard just lies there for a minute and doesn’t move. He’s exhausted, but he’s also angry. He needs to get both under control.

Once he’s able to get up again, he immediately examines Kaidan’s leg. It looks bad. Kaidan’s armour is torn open at the thigh and he’s bleeding profusely from a wound he sustained there. He winces whenever Shepard tries to move the leg in even the slightest way which tells Shepard that the bone must be broken. Kaidan won’t be able to walk any time soon. But the wound is not their only problem. Kaidan’s suit is losing its atmosphere through the rip, both oxygen and warmth are leaking from it. Not much longer and he will be in danger of both hypothermia and carbon monoxide poisoning.

Shepard tends to the wound as best as he can, uses his omni-tool to apply medigel. Synthetic alloys merge with organic tissue to close blood vessels and repair flesh. The bleeding stops. But the medigel does not suffice to mend broken bone. Much worse, it cannot seal the rip in Kaidan’s suit. Nevertheless, even if Shepard could fully seal the rip – which he can’t with the means at his disposal – too much oxygen might already have been lost. They can’t stay out in the open. Their only chance is to find some sort of shielded cavern with a better micro-climate. Someplace safe from rock fall, someplace where Shepard can share his own oxygen provision with Kaidan if necessary.

Kaidan isn’t oblivious to the problems they are facing. He looks at Shepard through the visor of his helmet. “I can’t walk.”

“Yeah, I know,” Shepard replies. He gets up and then pulls Kaidan up on his feet. “We’ll make do. Let’s get going.”

“Your chances are better without me,” Kaidan says without any emotion in his voice.

“We survived Ilos. We beat a fucking Reaper. I’m not willing to die here. I’m not willing to let you die either. We’ve been through worse.”

“I’ll only slow you down. If you leave me behind…”

“Don’t argue with me, Kaidan!” Shepard orders. “I’m not doing anything of the sort. This is a _routine mission_ and we are not losing anybody, understood? We’re getting out of here.”

Kaidan looks at him defiantly. “This might be hard for you to believe, but we’re _not_ invincible.”

“Death seems to appeal greatly to you,” Shepard bristles.

“What?”

“What were you thinking just now, pushing me away like that? What’s up with the self-sacrifice act? Are you trying to be a frickin’ martyr or something?”

“Act…?” Kaidan tries to ask, but Shepard cuts him off.

“Virmire,” he exclaims. “Same stunt as on Virmire!” Shepard is not entirely sure where that came from. He was mad at Kaidan on Virmire. Kaidan shouldn’t have argued when Shepard made his decision to come for him and leave Ashley behind. He realises that he hasn’t forgiven Kaidan for questioning his authority that day. He didn’t know he still held this anger bottled up inside of himself.

“You don’t like to lose people,” Kaidan tries to placate. “I understand that but be reasonable…”

“You think that’s what this is? You think I don’t want to leave you behind because I don’t like losing people under my command?” Shepard closes his eyes and bites the insides of his lips. Serves him right. He tried so hard to keep things between them professional, so he gets what he deserves.

“Shepard…”

“Argh, just shut up and try to make yourself useful by not being too heavy.”

 

***

 

_Citadel, 2185 CE_

They are back out in the open, standing under the many neon signs of the Silversun Strip. “We could go to the Normandy…” Shepard ventures. He feels awkward to do so, but suggests it anyway. Kaidan will not like it since the Normandy is now a Cerberus ship. But Shepard doesn’t have anywhere else to go, no place private where they could just talk.

Kaidan looks a little restless when he says: “I stay at a place not far from here. I’d rather go there.”

“Of course. But first, why don’t we take a walk? It’s really nice around here.”

As they saunter along the boulevard, Kaidan points out various places of interest: “That right there is the Silver Coast Casino. Posh place, you need to dress up to get inside. I hear the drinks are really good, but I’m not sure about the crowd. Lots of high society big shots. And over here we’ve got the Armax Arsenal Arena, a combat simulator complex. It’s _so_ much fun. We should really go there and try it… some time.”

Shepard nods enthusiastically. “Sounds good. But after a match or so, you think they’d let us back in? We’d kick ass so bad, nobody would stand a chance.”

Kaidan laughs. “That sounds about right.”

“How come we’ve never been to this part of the wards before?” Shepard wonders.

“The Citadel is huge. And we didn’t get shore leave nearly as often as I wished,” Kaidan laments.

Shepard grins. “True.” An idea crosses his mind. “You know what I really feel like doing though? How about a quick trip to the Flux? Like old times?”

Kaidan frowns. “But you’ve already had one of those green things. Haven’t you had enough for one night? I’m quite amazed you’re still on your feet and not snoring against my shoulder”

“Ouch,” Shepard says and squints, embarrassed to be reminded of his past misfortune. “Well, I got training now.”

“Training?” Kaidan asks in bewilderment.

“There’s a bar on the Normandy,” Shepard answers smugly.

“A bar?” Kaidan’s eyebrows go up.

“Yeah, they got one installed on the portside observation deck.”

“Huh. Nice move.”

“Did I just make myself sound like an alcoholic?” Shepard asks.

“Only a little,” Kaidan reassures him.

“No, but seriously. I feel like dancing.”

“You want to dance?” Kaidan asks, visibly amused.

“Yeah, why not?”

Kaidan clicks his tongue dismissively. “Because you’re a horrible dancer? Haven’t you embarrassed yourself enough for one day?” he remarks wryly.

“You’re making fun of my dancing?” Shepard places one hand on his chest and pretends to be offended “Come on, Kaidan. Bros gotta have each other’s backs. It’s the rule!”

“I’m not your bro, Shepard,” Kaidan retorts dryly.

The illusion falls apart. They are back in the present and Shepard immediately sobers up. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s not my place…”

Kaidan shakes his head vigorously. “No, that’s not how I meant it. I didn’t want to kill the mood. It’s just. I’m tired. I don’t feel like clubbing tonight. It’s funny, you know,” he adds pensively. “Before I met you, I never used to go to clubs that much.”

“You didn’t?”

“Yah. Because of, uhm, my implant,” Kaidan replies sheepishly.

“Oh.”

“All the noise. Not really helping with the headaches.”

Shepard presses his eyes shut, mortified. “I was such an insensitive jerk back then. I’m so sorry Kaidan. I never considered how…”

“No, it’s ok,” Kaidan says quickly. “It wasn’t all bad.” He hesitates before he adds: “To be completely honest with you, I kinda liked watching you dance.”

“You did?” Shepard asks, baffled.

“Yah.”

Shepard narrows his eyes on Kaidan. “Even though you keep telling me that I suck at it?”

“I gotta,” Kaidan says matter-of-factly. “You might get cocky if I didn’t. No but seriously. How do I put this without sounding like I’m hitting on you? You’re always so focused on something outside yourself. Your weapon. The target. The mission. When you’re dancing, it’s different.” A smile plays around Kaidan’s lips. “You are completely with yourself then. The intensity, the focus, they’re still there. But you seem… free. It’s quite fascinating to look at.”

Shepard’s eyebrows have gone up while he listened to Kaidan. He had no idea that Kaidan thought this way about him. “You like it,” Shepard exclaims triumphantly. His face is lit up by a bright smile.

“I like it,” Kaidan agrees. He smiles right back at Shepard.

 

***

 

Kaidan leads the way to an extensive apartment complex called Tiberius Towers. They enter it through an elevator that runs up on one side of the tallest building. The side of the elevator that goes in the direction of the boulevard is made all from glass, so Shepard can observe the bustle of the Strip grow smaller and smaller below them as they ride up. They cross a landing and then reach the apartment in which Kaidan stays.

At first, Shepard is speechless. The apartment is huge and has the vibe of a loft, with tall ceilings and large picture windows onto the boulevard. The interior design is kept simple, minimalistic even, but decidedly tasteful. It is obvious that it was put together by someone who knew what they were doing. Shepard takes it all in wide-eyed.

“Big place,” he mutters once he finds his voice again.

Kaidan bursts out laughing. “It is. I regret to say it’s not mine. It’s Anderson’s. He let me stay here before. He’s currently stationed on Earth, told me to use it while I was here, said it was a waste if I didn’t.”

“Anderson’s, huh?” Shepard’s can’t hide his surprise. He looks at the apartment with new eyes. He would have expected something different, had he been told that Anderson owns an apartment, something less streamlined, less stylish. And Kaidan stays here? He and Anderson must have established some sort of rapport over the past two years that they didn’t use to have earlier.

“Let me give you the tour,” Kaidan offers.

“Please.”

Shepard is overwhelmed by how grand the apartment is. So many rooms, so much space. Expensive furniture. There’s even a whirlpool. Shepard looks at it in awe. People have things like these? In their houses?

When Kaidan is done showing him around, they sit down at a counter in the living room. Kaidan pulls out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey from below the counter and pours them both a drink. “Let’s catch up,” he says and pushes one glass in Shepard’s direction, which earns him an eyebrow quirk from Shepard. Should he go for it? Now that they’ve settled down, Shepard can feel how strongly his previous drink kicked in. He’s feeling dizzy. But he can hold his liquor better these days than he used to. He was not entirely joking when he implied that he uses the Normandy’s new bar on a regular basis. And anyways, he really feels like having a drink with his friend.

“How have you been?” Kaidan asks. “How’s the new Normandy? Hey, you got a bar, cheers to that,” he raises his glass and Shepard toasts him. “And your new crew, how are they?”

Shepard brings the glass to his lips and takes a sip. “They are quite the band of misfits. But they are a good crew. A great one. I’m lucky to have them. I’ve always been lucky with the people serving under me.” Shepard throws one meaningful glance in Kaidan’s direction.

And then he talks. Not about Alchera, and not about Project Lazarus, because that he can’t, not even with Kaidan. Instead he talks about the attack on the Cerberus research station. Recruiting his new crew. What they’ve been through together. It feels good to be doing this. He never knew how much he missed having Kaidan to talk to until now.

“I lose my patience with them sometimes. I wish I didn’t. But they are constantly arguing about some thing or another, and I always end up in the middle. They hate each other’s guts. If only they could see how much they have in common. They are both victims of people who tried to engineer them to suit their needs. They are both struggling to be their own person. If only they got along better.” Shepard sighs. Miranda and Jack can really be exasperating.

“They both sound like fiery personalities. But you seem to have a good rapport with both of them.”

“I do,” Shepard agrees.

“With your entire crew, actually. You always were a people person.” Kaidan’s lips curl up mischievously: “So, nobody special among all those extraordinary people you gathered around yourself?”

Shepard shakes his head. “Not really, no.” He thinks for a moment. “Well, there’s Samara. She’s what the Asari call a Justicar. I consider her a good friend.”

“I heard about them, the Justicars... They are quite… fierce?”

“Oh, they are,” Shepard confirms. “They give themselves a strict code by which they live. They cannot stray from it for even a bit. Samara is a no-nonsense kind of person. Ninety percent of the things that are fun go against her code. The rest involves shooting and hunting people down.”

“I can see why you’d like her.”

Shepard laughs. “I make her sound awful, don’t I? But I really admire her, a lot. We’re close. I can talk to her and she seems to understand me. But she’s not… for people, you know what I mean?” Shepard stays silent for a moment. He tried telling Samara what she means to him and it didn’t go well. Thinking about it still stings. He’d rather change the topic. “What about you? How have you been?”

Kaidan cants the glass in his hand and watches the golden liquid swirl within it. “I’ve been good, there’s not really much to tell.” He takes a swig and puts the glass on the counter with a thud.

“There’s something I need to confess,” Shepard says haltingly.

“What is that?”

Shepard hesitates. There is no innocent way of telling Kaidan that he spied on him. “I uhm… I asked some people about you… tried to get some information....”

“You did?”

“Yes, and I’m really sorry about it. I just… I needed to know.”

“I understand,” Kaidan says, and takes another sip. He’s acting very calm about this; it’s very disconcerting for Shepard. To think that he was clandestinely collecting intel on his friend while Kaidan didn’t even know that he was alive: it’s just plain wrong. Yes, their relationship was always characterized by a dissymmetry of power which would inevitably spill over into the time they spent together off-duty, even if Shepard tried to pretend it wasn’t. But this, this is different. Shepard feels deeply ashamed about it.

“So, what did you learn?” Kaidan asks nonchalantly.

“You seemed to be doing fine. Got a new assignment, got promoted. Twice. I didn’t want to interfere with that.”

“Your intel got it right.” Kaidan affirms. “I’ll admit, I went through a rough patch after the Collectors took down the Normandy. It’s tough losing so many people. But I was lucky. I had people looking out for me. Our old crew in particular. I somehow… I always assumed that they were your friends first and only acted nice towards me because I was part of the team.”

Of course Kaidan would have been thinking that. With all his self-deprecating tendencies, it never occurred to him that people might actually care about him. “I could have told you otherwise,” Shepard says. He’s just glad that Kaidan wasn’t alone.

“They really looked out for me. Liara in particular. Even Garrus. Would you believe it? The prickly Turian made a point of checking in with me on a regular basis, see how I was doing.” Kaidan must have interpreted the expression on Shepard’s face as bafflement, because he makes a huffing sound and says: “Yeah man, I’m as amazed as you are. But he’s a good guy. I respect him a lot. The rest you seem to know already.” Kaidan shrugs. “I settled back into the Alliance routine, I guess.”

“No one special?” Shepard tries to keep it down and not sound too curious.

“Nah. There wasn’t really a chance to get to know a great many people close up. I’ve been going out for drinks with a doctor here on the Citadel. Nothing serious really. They are nice, but a little boring. My standards may be a bit high though. No drama, no life and death kind of situations, I’m not interested. Guess I’m spoilt. So yah. I’ve been good.”

Shepard takes his glass of whiskey, gets up and moves over towards the window. “It’s good to hear that,” he says as he settles down on the sofa.

“Hm.” Kaidan doesn’t move away from his bar chair, but stays put. Shepard can’t help but feel a pang of disappointment. He wishes Kaidan had sat with him on the sofa.

“You know, I missed this. Our conversations. Having someone to talk to.”

“Hm.”

“The Normandy felt… strange without the old crew around. It’s just not the same.”

“I imagine.”

Shepard lets his gaze wander and listens to the hum of the city outside. Rays of red and golden light fall in through the shutters and create patterns of waves and specks on the furniture. Maybe it’s the mesmerizing regularity of sound and light. Maybe it’s simply that he’s drunk. But somehow he feels emboldened to ask: “Can you please sit here? With me?”

Kaidan stares out the window for a long time. His reaction tells Shepard that he got the innuendo, despite the fact that two years have passed since Kaidan used those very words. Kaidan eventually sighs and closes his eyes. “I’m still angry at you. That doesn’t just go away simply because we put everything on halt for a few hours. I can’t just… forget. It’s not that easy for me.” He never looks at Shepard as he says that.

Shepard can feel the heat rise in his cheeks. He’s ashamed about his presumptuousness. This is not Zanethu, and nothing could ever undo the past two years. “I’m sorry. You are right, of course, I was being too… brash.” He leans forwards, lets his torso rest on his thighs and puts his hands at the back of his neck. He remains in this huddled position for a while, slowly shaking his head. He takes a deep breath and comes back up. “Damnit though,” he whispers. “I would have really liked to kiss you. But I guess I missed my chance. Some two years ago.” His eyes burn, so he squints. This right now, it just hurts so much.

Without saying a word, Kaidan leaves his chair and settles down on the sofa next to Shepard. He takes Shepard’s face between his palms. Shepard stares at him wide-eyed, unable to move. And then Kaidan’s lips are on his and nothing else matters. The whole universe narrows down to this moment and the small space that their bodies take up within it.

Shepard quickly gets over his initial surprise and enthusiastically returns the kiss. How he missed this! Kaidan’s smell in his nose, the warmth of his body wrapping itself around him, the feel of his hands on his neck, his lips claiming Shepard’s. Shepard quickly gets carried away. He wants to lick into Kaidan’s mouth, wants to sweep his tongue against Kaidan’s. His hunger for more is so strong. A deeper kiss. More proximity. More touch on more parts of his body. More _friction_ because damnit, his cock is getting _hard_ in his pants. His impatience is getting the better of him. He pushes Kaidan into the sofa and straddles him.

Shepard is so caught up in his own need that he only realizes what is happening when hands forcefully push him backwards. Kaidan scowls at him, breathing hard. Shepard looks back in shock. When he has processed what is going on, he recoils and makes sure that no part of his body is touching Kaidan’s any longer. He’s gone too far, has forced himself on Kaidan, and he might never forgive himself for it.

He needs to get up, he needs to… but Kaidan grabs his shirt and pulls him back in for another deep kiss. Shepard doesn’t understand anything. But he doesn’t want to question what is happening either, not while he can hold Kaidan in his arms, not while he can touch him and know that he’s really there. He makes no further attempts at stepping up the game, however, but instead takes it really slow. And maybe that is just what Kaidan wants. Maybe he needs the kissing just as bad as Shepard needs it, needs it gentle and soft and slow, just like on Zanethu, but he isn’t ready for anything beyond that.

Shepard loses track of how much time passes. He holds Kaidan in his arms, pulls his hand through his hair, strokes his neck, his shoulders, his back, all the while exploring various parts of his face with his lips. He’s fully immersed in the moment. That’s why he doesn’t realize it at first. Something wet falls against his temples, then trickles down his cheeks. Shepard moves back to look at Kaidan. He’s crying. Why is he crying? On an impulse, he places his hands on the back of Kaidan’s head and draws him close, cradles him against his chest. Kaidan starts to shake under Shepard’s caressing fingers. Shepard doesn’t say a thing, he just holds him.

Slowly, the shaking ebbs away. When Kaidan talks, his voice is surprisingly level and steady. “When you died, I didn’t cry. Not once did I cry. I haven’t done so since my first day at Brain Camp. I thought I’d forgotten how to.” Shepard realizes that even though Kaidan said a lot of things tonight, he hasn’t been saying anything, not really. Nothing that mattered. About himself, about how he felt and how he coped during the last two years.

“After Alchera, I tried so hard to pull myself together. Too keep going. We are soldiers. We lose people. It’s just… I tried so hard, but I made a fool out of myself. The flashbacks kept coming. Sitting in that escape pod. Hearing you gasp for air over the comm…” Kaidan’s voice breaks off for a moment.

“It’s ok.” Shepard places a soft kiss on the top of Kaidan’s head.

“I couldn’t go on. I wanted to quit the Alliance.”

“You did? I had no idea…”

“Yah. Anderson talked me out of it. I think he felt… responsible for me? He let me stay here for a while after your memorial service. There was no body to mourn. They tried to retrieve it but… nothing…”

Shepard suddenly has a lump sitting in his throat which hardly lets him breathe. Hearing Kaidan say these things… he can’t fathom what Kaidan must have gone through after he… disappeared. He never really considered how hard it must have been for him.

“Didn’t make it easier. I suppose Anderson… he saw right through me. He knew what was up with me, what was _really_ up with me. He came to me and talked to me. He told me all the things that you would have told me if you had been alive. He said what I needed to hear. That you wouldn’t have wanted me to quit. That the Reapers were still coming. That we owed it to you to keep fighting.”

Now that Kaidan has opened up, words keep flowing out from where he must have kept them bottled up for so long. “It spent the last two years trying to pull myself back together, enough to be a functioning human being. I’d almost managed. And then we heard you were alive. Working for Cerberus. I can’t tell you how that felt. And I kept thinking, there must be some other explanation. You wouldn’t just defect to the enemy. You wouldn’t just leave me in the dark without a good reason either. Because you _care_ about me, that’s what you _said_. And all this time I kept waiting for a message of yours that would explain everything. A message that just… never came.”

“I’m so sorry.” Shepard whispers. “I’m so, so sorry.” He keeps stroking Kaidan’s hair with his fingers, running his thumb over Kaidan’s temple. He doesn’t know how else to offer comfort. “I told you I screw things up. A lot,” he croaks.

“I missed you so much,” Kaidan says and buries his head against Shepard’s neck.

“I missed you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't thank my beta-readers enough: humblydefiant and wRexident. You challenge me to "work through" my writing, and that's the best kind of beta-reading.


	4. Nothing Is Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Zanethu, Shepard manages to get them to safety. He tries to take Kaidan to task for his repeated insubordination, but all he achieves by doing so is maneuvering himself into a situation in which he has to explain why he can't have Kaidan die. 
> 
> Some two years later, there's time for Kaidan and Shepard to be domestic. To bicker. To speak about regret. And to say goodbye to each other once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It... is finished. 19k may not seem like much, but it's quite the achievement for me. I've never written a fic that long before. 
> 
> The song which inspired this chapter's title is Sunrise Avenue's "Nothing Is Over" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vr23F3pUV_I)

_Zanethu, some two years ago_

They limp along the passage and into the dark. Shepard is glad that the light in Kaidan’s omni-tool is still functional because he wouldn’t be able to act as a human torch any longer. He put everything he had into the explosion that saved Kaidan and him from the rocks. In his desperation to force his body to yield more than it could give, he might have pushed too far. It seems that his biotics fed on the very substance of his body: every limb, every muscle, every joint cries out in pain.

All Shepard can do is grit his teeth and go on. It doesn’t get easier though. The further they go, the heavier Kaidan gets. His strength is waning even quicker than Shepard’s. He has to rely more and more on his commander to carry him.

Shepard tries his best to focus on forging ahead and not glance at Kaidan from the corner of his eyes all that often. Because when he does, it’s tough not to lose heart. Kaidan’s face has gone very pale. Shepard almost wishes Kaidan would still try to put up a fight and argue with him. He’s gone very silent, doesn’t show he’s in pain, utters no word of complaint. The only sound Shepard hears from him is his laboured breathing and the clattering of his teeth.

 _Hang in there_ , is what he thinks, but he dare not say it out loud because he’s afraid he could not keep his voice level. Instead, he only walks, limps, carries, drags. Every meter becomes an excruciating struggle. Shepard is not the type to give up; he has never lacked determination and has always fought to the last ounce of his strength. But he can’t go on, he just can’t.

If the universe had a will, then it must have wanted Shepard and Kaidan to live.

From the distance it looks like an alcove in the wall, but when they come closer, they realise that there’s actually a door on the right side of the passage. It’s closed, and looks dysfunctional, but once Shepard and Kaidan get near it, a feeble red light comes on. Shepard doesn’t think twice; he links up his omni-tool with the interface of the door. When the information shows up on his reader, he’s able to understand it, just as he understood the Prothean VI on Ilos. He has no idea why this happens. The beacon on Eden Prime, the Thorian’s memories on Feros. All of it goes way above his head but that’s the kind of thing he leaves up to Liara to figure out. He unlocks the door, and it opens with a swish. After all these years – after millennia – this fricking thing still works. Shepard wants to kiss a live Prothean, he’s so relieved.

He helps Kaidan into the room and carefully lowers him against the wall in one corner. He then closes the door and proceeds to examine the room. It is quite small and has a low ceiling; lots of screens and interfaces are embedded into the walls. It must have served as some kind of control centre. Shepard walks towards what looks like the main console and pushes a random button on its holo-haptic interface. It is as he hoped. It still works. He’s able to get the O2 recycling system back online. Within minutes, an oxygen-saturated atmosphere is being built up inside the chamber.

“We’re so lucky that the Protheans were oxygen-breathers, too,” Shepard comments as he unlocks the seal on his helmet and lifts it off his head.

“Totally,” Kaidan agrees. His voice is thin and wheezy. Shepard frowns. He kneels down next to Kaidan, helps him open his helmet and puts it on the ground next to him. “How are you holding up?” he asks softly.

“I’m good,” Kaidan replies, and heaves a relieved sigh. Noticing the sceptical furrow of Shepard’s brow, he adds: “As good as I could be, given the circumstances. There’s not much you can do, Commander. Why don’t you take a closer look at that console?”

Reluctantly, Shepard gets back up and walks over to the console to see what else he can do from there. Kaidan is right of course. He regulates the air temperature, raises it as much as he dares without depleting the energy that is left too quickly, and downloads maps of their surroundings. He then helps Kaidan out of his armour to make him feel more comfortable.

Once he’s taken off his own armour, he lowers himself along the wall and comes to sit on the ground opposite Kaidan. He rests his head back against the wall and just breathes for a few minutes.

Kaidan’s eyes have fallen shut. Maybe he’s passed out from the exertion. He looks so pale.

“Why would you do that?” Shepard whispers. He doesn’t care that Kaidan probably can’t hear him, he needs to get this out of his system.

“What?”

“Huh?”

“Why would I do what?” Kaidan asks wearily.

“Push me off like you did. That rock would have killed you.”

“I know.”

Shepard doesn’t like this answer one bit. “Why are you so keen on dying?” he asks. He needs to put that question out in the open for a second time today. Kaidan’s insubordinate behaviour infuriates him.

“That’s not true. I don’t want to die,” Kaidan objects.

“Then why are you trying so hard?”

Kaidan sighs. “Shepard, that’s not fair. I don’t want to die. But I don’t want you to risk so much either. You jeopardized the mission just to save me.”

“I didn’t jeopardize the mission.”

“Yes, you did. On Virmire, too. Coming for me instead of going back and making sure the bomb goes off, that was one hell of a risk you took. This thing we’re up against. The stakes are so incredibly high. My life matters little in comparison to that. Ultimately, I’m expendable.”

“You are not expendable,” Shepard protests.

“Of course I am.” Half dead and still stubborn enough to put up a fight just to have the final say. That’s so typical of Kaidan. “Granted, my biotics are strong. For a human. But Liara’s are far superior. With a gun, I can’t match Wrex or even Garrus. Tali’s a much better tech than I could ever hope to be. If I have to give my life for this mission, well. I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for this.”

Shepard knows he can’t argue with this logic. Kaidan’s reasoning is sound. But Shepard doesn’t intend to dismiss him on the grounds of reason. “You are not expendable _to me_.”

Kaidan seems taken aback, his brow twitches when he says: “But Ashley was?”

“What…?” Shepard asks, stunned. He didn’t expect this question.

“Why’d you chose me over her? Was she expendable?”

It hurts Shepard that Kaidan would even ask such a thing. “Hell, no! Ashely was a good friend, Kaidan, you know that. Don’t you think I’ve given myself a hard time over her death? Don’t you think I’ve wondered every day since if I could have done something different? Somehow saved both of you? But having to make that decision. Choosing between the two of you. It wasn’t really a choice.”

“Why not?” Kaidan asks, and tries to sit up. He winces, and sags back against the wall. “I was ready to die, Shepard. I had made peace with it.”

“Well, I hadn’t,” Shepard retorts in an offish tone.

“ _Why not_?”

“Because I _care_ about you, Kaidan, damn it. I care about you _a lot_ ,” Shepard bursts out. He never intended to say this. It just slipped his tongue.

But it’s true. He cares about Kaidan. He cares about him in a way that far exceeds how a superior officer should care about those serving under his command. He cares about him in a way that even exceeds how Shepard usually cares about his friends. He tried so hard to fight it down, to not let it get in the way of the mission because the mission always comes first. He had to acknowledge to himself early on, however, that what he feels for Kaidan is not just physical attraction, but something more intense. He let it impact on his priorities. He resigned himself to this and thought he could be best friends with Kaidan, thought the shift in priorities wouldn’t matter as long as it didn’t interfere with the mission, as long as he ultimately knew what came first.

Apparently, he failed.

The worst part about this whole mess is that the more he allows himself to give in to this indiscretion, the more he runs the risk of implicating a fellow officer. It goes against everything he believes in.

When Kaidan doesn’t reply, Shepard can’t help but smile wryly. “Don’t know what to say, do you, Lieutenant? That must be a first.”

“I…”

Shepard shakes his head, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “You don’t need to say anything. I’m an officer. I know how to behave myself. I will never, under any circumstances, compromise you. You must know that.”

Kaidan looks at him pensively. “How long?” he asks.

“What?”

“How long have you felt this way about me?”

Shepard hesitates. Should he lie? He might just make Kaidan even more uncomfortable if he tells him the truth. “I don’t know. Before Ilos. Maybe Virmire. I’m really not sure.” _From the moment you touched that Prothean beacon on Eden Prime, and I pushed you away, and you were there in the med bay when I woke up, all worried about me_. He’s a terrible liar.

“You never…”

“Said anything?” Shepard finishes Kaidan’s sentence.

Kaidan locks his gaze with Shepard’s. “Never even showed it in the slightest way,” he adds.

“I know the regs. I’m certainly not dragging you into anything. I _can_ be professional,” Shepard reassures Kaidan. He knows that he can. Or does he? Maybe Kaidan’s intimations about Shepard jeopardizing the mission stung so much because Kaidan actually has a point.

Kaidan huffs noisily. Shepard knows it's a quirk of Kaidan’s that shows he’s agitated. “It never occurred to you that this ‘anything’ involved me? That maybe I had my own opinion on the matter of being ‘dragged into’ things?

“It didn’t,” Shepard admits.

“Of course it didn’t.”

“Why does it matter?”

“It never occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, I care about you, too? That I wanted to be there for you?”

“What are you saying, Kaidan?” Shepard asks, frowning.

“I think you already know.”

“Oh.” Realization hits Shepard, and it hits him hard. He’s always been slow picking up on that kind of thing. His heart is suddenly beating very fast, blood rushing up into his cheeks. Did Kaidan try to show him that he reciprocated Shepard’s affections? If so, Shepard couldn’t see the signs because he was too busy keeping his own feelings buried. True, they have built an exceptionally close friendship. It really never occurred to him, however, that Kaidan’s apparent concern for him was anything but the bond that brothers-in-arms shared.

“There’s so much you put up with,” Kaidan says. “Sometimes it seems like you carry the burden of the entire galaxy on your shoulders. I’ve always thought… You shouldn’t have to take this all on your own.” Now it’s Kaidan’s turn to smile when Shepard doesn’t answer. “Don’t know what to say, do you, Commander? That must be a first.”

“You’re right. I really don’t.”

“That’s alright. You don’t always have to have the last say, you know.” A wry smile plays around the corners of Kaidan’s mouth.

“Hey!”

Kaidan laughs and it makes his chest quiver. He immediately winces in pain and breaks out into a cough. Shepard rushes to his side, but there’s not much he can do. He nevertheless puts his hand on Kaidan’s back and rubs small circles against it. When Kaidan’s breathing finally evens out again, Shepard puffs out a sigh of relief, and gets up again to retreat. Kaidan’s hand closes around Shepard’s wrist and he raises his eyebrows, fixing his gaze on Shepard. “Can you please sit here? With me?” he asks calmly, but resolutely.

Shepard hesitates. “Uhm, sure,” he eventually says.

He slides down next to Kaidan, but leaves some space between them. He’s nervous and feels very insecure. He doesn’t know how far he should or even can go. Kaidan doesn’t know any such qualms. He lets his head fall against Shepard’s shoulder and takes Shepard’s hand in his own, entwines their fingers. He pulls them to his lips and plants a kiss on the back of Shepard’s hand. The gesture is so chaste and gentle. Shepard’s whole body tingles with excitement. He really wants this. He didn’t realise just how much he wants this.

Shepard rests his head against Kaidan’s and just listens to his friend’s breathing. He wishes it wasn’t still so shallow and quick. “You’re not dying on me, right?” Shepard asks, partly in good fun, partly because he needs to ease the pressure which has built up in his chest. Probably more of the second.

“Not a chance”, Kaidan murmurs.

“Good. I couldn’t… I mean, the mission always comes first. But… If anything happened to you...” Shepard is too overcome by emotion to continue speaking.

“I know.” Kaidan gives Shepard’s hand a squeeze. ”It’s the same for me.”

They sit in silence for a long time, running their fingers against each other’s palms, sharing the warmth of their bodies. It is Kaidan who speaks next: “So uhm… will you… will you let me be there for you?” Shepard can feel Kaidan slightly squirm against his side.

Shepard’s throat has suddenly gone dry. He tries to swallow a couple of times without much success. He thinks it is deeply ironic that he was able to hurl bold come-backs at Sovereign without so much as a second thought, but answering Kaidan’s question frightens him. Maybe he is frightened because he is about to say what he really feels. Speaking of and acting on his feelings is something that Shepard diligently unlearned while growing up. He considered it a weakness.

“I think I would like that.”

“I’m glad,” Kaidan whispers.

Shepard takes a deep breath. “Let’s uhm… let’s take this slow,” he says. “We’ll have to be careful. This could get us into huge trouble.” 

Kaidan hums in agreement: “You’re right about that. Taking things slow sounds good to me.”

“And ah…” Shepard says haltingly. Suddenly, his reluctance is back with a vengeance. There’s something else that bothers him, something that didn’t occur to him earlier because he never allowed himself to actually entertain the thought that he and Kaidan could be anything more than friends.

“What is it?” Kaidan pleads. “Come on, now that we are being honest with each other, you shouldn’t hold back.”

Shepard doesn’t know how to put his concern into words. “If things don’t work out…”

Kaidan frowns. “Yah…?” he prompts.

Shepard’s face puckers up into an agonised expression. “Kaidan, I screw things up. Like, a lot.”

“You think I don’t?” Kaidan replies impatiently. “Shepard, I told you about Rahna. She’s pretty much the only person I’ve ever been serious about, and see where this got me.”

Shepard is not exactly sure how this is supposed to assuage his fears. He doesn’t think Kaidan understands what he is getting at. “Our friendship… it’s more important to me than… than anything we might be getting ourselves into. I don’t want to mess things up between us.”

“Let’s just not mess it up then.”

If only it was that simple. It’s not like he didn’t used to put his heart into it, but for some reason the few people Shepard deeply cared about in the past still found him lacking. There was something they needed from him which he couldn’t give them. They told him that the only thing he could ever truly love was his duty. Maybe they were right, maybe the bond of a deep friendship is the best he can hope for. And here he is at it again, trying to overreach. He has so much to lose.

“You don’t know me,” Shepard groans. When he sees the hurt look on Kaidan’s face, he tries to explain further: “Not like that.”

“But Shepard….”

“If I lost you as my friend…,” Shepard says. What he doesn’t say: _I’d lose something I’ve never had before. Something I honestly didn’t think I could have. Somebody who appreciates me for me, not for my rank, not for my achievements. Even when I’m weak, even when I fail. Somebody I look to for guidance when I feel that I’ve lost my way. If I lost this, I would regret it for the rest of my life._

“You won’t,” Kaidan says with determination.

“You can’t know that… maybe it’s better if we don’t…”

Kaidan closes his eyes and nods feebly. “Alright. If this is what you want, I’ll respect...”

“No!” Shepard exclaims.

Kaidan’s eyes snap open and he stares at Shepard. “What no?” he asks, startled.

Shepard stares right back at Kaidan. He’s as surprised about his own vehemence as Kaidan is. “No, it’s not what I want,” he blurts out. “Us, us is what I want. I want to try, I want to give it a chance. I don’t want to hold back anymore.” Reticence be damned, prudence be damned. He wants to be a goddamn fool, he wants to be completely and utterly selfish, just this once.

Kaidan blinks. “That was… unexpected…,” he says.

Shepard gives an awkward shrug. “Yah well…”

“I like it. I like brash you.” Kaidan grins.

Shepard laughs. “Thank you… I guess?”

Kaidan snorts. “Welcome. So… being cautious and taking things slow sounds good to me and all. But, uhm.” He clears his throat. “Can I still kiss you?”

Shepard freezes. “Right now?” he stammers.

Kaidan raises an eyebrow on him. “Right now.”

Shepard blushes. “Uhm, sure.”

This is so awkward. Shepard can’t remember ever having felt so embarrassed in his life. It’s not that he doesn’t want to kiss Kaidan. His daydreams about Kaidan are rarely this innocent. But kissing should develop naturally out of the situation, because it feels like the right thing to do. At least that’s how all of Shepard’s previous kisses happened. Kaidan’s stage directions… they make him feel extremely self-conscious.

Kaidan grimaces. “Uhm… you will have to… ahm, can you maybe lean over a bit? I’m not that… mobile?”

At this point, the situation has become so comical that Shepard can’t help himself, he bursts out laughing. “Of course,” he says, and wipes at the corners of his eyes.

Funnily enough, the laughter helped him rid himself of his awkwardness. He shifts, and cups Kaidan’s face between his palms. He runs his thumb over Kaidan’s temple, strokes the greying hair there, and smiles at him fondly. Kaidan’s eyes have a warm sparkle to them.

Shepard leans in and softly presses his lips against Kaidan’s. He opens his mouth a little, so he can run his lower lip against the inside of Kaidan’s upper lip. Shepard closes his eyes and enjoys how, as he slowly pulls back, their lips stick together and only come free with the slightest bit of resistance. He immediately moves forward again to take Kaidan’s lower lip between his. He sucks at it and gently licks against it. Kaidan smiles against his mouth and lets Shepard explore his lips.

Shepard chuckles lightly. He’s never kissed in such a slow and chaste fashion. But somehow it feels right. There’ll be time for passion and haste and breathlessness. There’ll be time for roughness. But that time is not now. Shepard is looking forward to slowly, oh so slowly escalating levels of intimacy between them. He’s never savoured slowness this much, with anyone. But with Kaidan it feels right. Patience seems so incredibly sweet and delicious.

Shepard opens his eyes, and finds himself looking deeply into Kaidan’s. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time,” Kaidan sighs.

“I had no idea.”

“Course you didn’t.” Kaidan chuckles and softly shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. You know now. There’ll be plenty of time for you to make proper use of that knowledge.”

“I like that. A lot.” Shepard smirks, then purses his lips He can’t help but wonder… if Kaidan really has been returning his feelings all this time… suddenly Shepard feels very stupid for not letting Kaidan know earlier. Then again, his upbringing and his convictions wouldn’t have let him. He needed the encounter with Sovereign and the Battle of the Citadel to put things into perspective. They have a war coming, and suddenly Alliance regs seem so inconsequential in comparison to what might be his shot at happiness, the last one he’ll probably get before everything turns to shit.

It took him long enough to come to this realisation. He won’t waste one more moment. They’ll make good use of the time they have. Time to explore this new… something between them. It’s too early to put a name to it. But Shepard knows for certain that it’s something to look forward to. Something to fight for.

But of course, there hadn’t been time.

 

***

 

Four days later, the Collectors attacked the Normandy in the orbit of Alchera. Shepard died. Painfully chocked to death in the emptiness of space.

Kaidan’s whole world came crashing down. They told him to calm down. They told him to breathe. But how could he, how could he when every time he closed his eyes he would be back in the escape pod, would hear Shepard gasp for air, unable to breathe? They told him he needed to grieve. But he didn’t know how. How did you grieve for something you’d never even been allowed to have?

All of that had happened some two years ago.

 

***

_Citadel, 2185 CE_

They decide to retreat to the guest room on the ground floor. On their way there, they pass by an artificial fountain that runs down slabs of dressed stone. Embedded into the ceiling are lamps that illuminate the water trickling down the walls. While they walk past it, a pleasant shiver runs down Shepard’s spine. The constant splash of water exudes calmness. Being here, in this apartment, with Kaidan. It feels so domestic. Shepard grabs Kaidan’s hand and entwines their fingers.

As they are about to settle down on the bed, Kaidan eyes Shepard’s outfit, cocking one eyebrow. He suggests they strip to their undershirts and briefs; it’s simply more comfortable than wearing a pair of overly tight jeans and a leather jacket. They’ve undressed and changed in front of each other dozens of times. Nothing special there, Shepard thinks. He is, however, not so sure if he’d feel quite as much at ease if Kaidan hadn’t already made clear that nothing is going to happen between them tonight.

They lie curled up in bed together now; golden-red light falls in through the open door, rolls off the book shelves and picture frames on the walls and douses the sheets of their bed in warm colours. They are huddled against each other as closely as possible. Maybe they fear that if their bodies don’t touch, the moment will dissolve and time itself will just melt away. Everything will turn out to have been a dream and they will wake up, without each other.

Kaidan has his arm spread over Shepard’s chest and nibbles at the soft skin underneath Shepard’s chin. Shepard is ticklish there, but he enjoys the glorious intimacy of the moment, enjoys the languorous atmosphere too much to utter even one word of complaint. Instead he runs his hand through Kaidan’s hair, twirling a wiry strand of it around his index finger.

“You reserved a table, didn’t you?” Shepard asks, chuckling.

Kaidan pauses. “How did you know?”

“I heard about this restaurant, and from what I know it’s pretty… select?”

“Yeah, that for sure. I uhm…” Kaidan clears his throat. “I made a reservation right after I sent you my reply.”

“That’s like… over a week ago!” Shepard says, surprised.

Kaidan huffs. “You said it yourself, it’s a highly select establishment. You don’t just make a reservation at the Ryuusei, you need connec…” Once he realises what he’s saying, Kaidan stops himself. He studiously avoids taking note of the wry grin flashing over Shepard’s face. “Actually, never mind. I figured that… no matter how things went, I’d need to have dinner.”

“Dinner for one?” Shepard asks in an amused tone, tapping his index finger against Kaidan’s lips. “Kinda sad.”

Kaidan teasingly bites Shepard’s finger, forcing him to draw back his hand with a wince. “It’s the frickin’ Ryuusei,” he states. “I get in there, I don’t care about sad.” Suddenly, his demeanour changes from playful to gloomy. “And anyway, sad and lonely, isn’t that kinda my style?”

“Don’t say that,” Shepard pleads, shaking his head vehemently. Now that they’ve managed to catch a precious moment of lightness and enjoyment, Shepard wants to preserve it. He doesn’t want the conversation to veer back to pain and grief.

Kaidan smiles sadly. “I’m very predictable, am I not?”

“You’re not predictable. Everything you did, it was… I’m very grateful for it.” He muzzles Kaidan’s hair. “And then, this apartment… it’s really quite impressive.”

Kaidan blushes. “The apartment wasn’t my idea, I swear.” He squirms. “To be honest with you, I’m pretty sure Anderson reads my mail. It was him who deployed me to the Citadel and then, shortly after I arrived, told me I really needed to get some leave. He told me to stay at his apartment and, uhm, I’m quoting here, ‘enjoy my down time’.”

Shepard’s heart skips a beat. “Oh wow,” he puffs, completely flabbergasted. A burning-hot sensation spreads in his chest. This is what utter embarrassment feels like, Shepard realises. When the feeling ebbs away a bit, he adds “Well, I’m glad he did.”

Kaidan moves his head to Shepard’s chest, lets his fingers ghost over Shepard’s ribcage. “So am I. I’m glad we get to have this moment.”

Shepard exhales into Kaidan’s touch. “I need you to know. When I wanted to meet you, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. My intention was never to get it on with you. When I got carried away earlier… I’m so, so sorry. I…”

Kaidan grows stiff in Shepard’s arms. “It’s ok. Really, you don’t need to apologise.”

“I’m serious,” Shepard insists. “I just… I wanted to see you. I never even believed you’d talk to me for more than five minutes.”

Kaidan places a kiss over Shepard’s heart, then props himself up to look him in the face. “I know. But thank you for telling me anyway. It means a lot.”

“Thank you for letting me.”

Kaidan settles back down again, resting his ear so that he can hear the beating of Shepard’s heart. “I had to. Didn’t wanna have to regret having brushed you off.”

“Why would you regret that?”

“Yeah well. Reasons.” Kaidan replies. Then his voice drops to a very low whisper and Shepard has to strain his ears to hear what he says next. “Too many of them.”

“What d’you mean?” Shepard asks, frowning.

“In the past. I messed up a couple of times. Missed a lot of chances. To be there for you. I regret that.” Kaidan trembles against Shepard’s embrace, and a chill of premonition makes Shepard’s body prickle. He pulls Kaidan closer to ward off the feeling. “The stuff we went through, I _knew_ it was really hard on you. Before Ilos, when the Council grounded us, told us to back off. You slumped against the lockers, remember? I _knew_ you needed me in that moment. I should have taken your hand and helped you up, offered you a shoulder. I didn’t. Because I was too afraid.”

Shepard doesn’t say anything, just swallows hard against the lump that has built in his throat.

Kaidan continues. “I regretted that. What I regretted even more was not being there for you the night before the actual mission. Again, I was too afraid. Of my own feelings. What they meant for us, for our friendship. I struggled with myself all evening. When I’d finally brought myself to come to your cabin… you didn’t answer the door. You must have been asleep already. I kept wondering… what if I had come earlier? Would you have let me be there for you? I should have come earlier. You deserved a better friend,” Kaidan says.

There are layers and layers of pain laced into every one of Kaidan’s words; it cuts deep into Shepard’s lungs and takes his breath away. It hurts him that Kaidan would give himself such a hard time over things that lie in the past. Shepard doesn’t want to add to Kaidan’s burden. That’s why he doesn’t tell him that he had not, in fact, been sleeping. He went looking for Kaidan. He lost courage when he didn’t find him anywhere on the crew deck and went back to his cabin, spending a sleepless night.

“You’re here now. It’s all that matters.”

Kaidan scoffs. It’s such a small gesture, the slightest of ripples running through his torso, but it utterly dismisses Shepard’s attempt to stop the onrush of self-loathing Kaidan directs at himself. “If only it was that easy. But regret, it’s such an _insidious_ thing,” he says, bitterness thick in his voice. “It won’t let you _be_. It constantly sits at the back of your mind, always just waiting to come out and smother you. It’s what kept me from grieving. It’s why I couldn’t let go.”

Kaidan’s voice trails off for a moment. He shakes his head in dejection and continues: “You know… the night before Ilos… that hasn’t even been my biggest regret...”

Shepard fears he already knows what is.

_Alchera._

Shepard feels a coldness that erupts somewhere deep inside of him. The ripples spread to every part of his body. He can’t move. He can’t breathe. Not Alchera. He can’t talk about Alchera.

“No. Kaidan, no,” he says, trying to keep his voice steady and determined. “I gave you an order. That one’s not on you. Don’t you dare blame yourself for it.”

“Doesn’t matter, Shepard,” Kaidan says slowly, stressing every word. “I wasn’t there for you. _Again_.”

“I gave you an order,” Shepard protests, but the strength to put up a fight oozes out of him quickly.

“Don’t you think I told myself that?” Kaidan replies, his voice rising. It almost sounds like he’s angry, Shepard thinks. But he can’t be sure. His ears are ringing and he’s still struggling to breathe properly. “I tried… I tried to tell myself I’d done nothing wrong. I tried to pull myself together. I just… I kept thinking, there must have been something I could have done. _Something_. I let you down. _Again_. If nothing else I, should have taken your place. The galaxy needed you. I was expendable.”

“You know that you are not expandable,” Shepard croaks. “Not to me.”

Suddenly, the memory of Zanethu stands between them again. It deflates Kaidan’s anger. “Maybe. But you weren’t there anymore.”

No, he wasn’t. He wasn’t _there_ anymore. He died. Kaidan spent the last two years struggling to come to terms with it. Shepard however…  He remembers very little. The reality of his… death… is not something he can be sure about. What he does remember is the world narrowing down to the sharp pain in his lungs. He can’t breathe. He tries. But he can’t. He remembers everything slowing down to the point where every beat of his heart is a lifetime, ringing clearly and resoundingly in his ears. Slowly, oh so slowly, everything around him grows dark. What he remembers most distinctly, however, is fear. He’s never been the religious type, not like Ashley. But he’s never been an atheist either. He didn’t have faith, but he had had hope. The horror, though, the horror at the end…

It haunts him.

Sometimes he will stand in the cockpit, looking out of the window and into space. He sees the black vastness stretch out there and suddenly everything, his whole world, will veer out of control. He’ll get lost there, again. It will take him long moments before he realises that Joker is trying to say something to him. The nights though, the nights are the worst. Sometimes Shepard is sure the skylight just above his bed is the Illusive Man’s way of playing a cruel, oh so cruel joke on him. A way of reminding Shepard who’s in charge.

It haunts him. He tries to push it out of his mind, crowd it out of there with other thoughts. But sometimes… If only he wasn’t alone…

It’s too much. Tears well up in Shepard’s eyes. He squeezes his eyes shut, and some of the tears come loose. “I’m here now,” he says. And for himself, he adds: “And you’re here now, too.”

Everything’s a blur. He can’t see clearly. But he feels it, he feels Kaidan’s hand cupping his cheek, feels the soft brushing of lips against his own. He blinks a couple of times, and Kaidan’s face comes back into focus. His friend knits his brow. His self-loathing has evaporated, being replaced by worry for Shepard.

“You’re right,” Kaidan says. “That has to be enough.” A hesitant smile flickers across Kaidan’s mouth. He leans in, kisses Shepard deeply.

“No more regrets,” he says.

 

***

“So… uhm… yah,” Shepard says haltingly. “This is it, I guess.”

He pushes back from the railing. Light pours in through the tall windows, and immerses the docking bay in hues of bright blue. It’s still in the early hours of the Citadel’s circadian cycle, so the day’s business has barely started. The docking bay is empty except for Shepard and Kaidan. When it was time for them to say their goodbyes in the apartment, Kaidan spontaneously offered to see Shepard off at the Normandy. Now though, there is really no way to delay the inevitable any longer. The last night was spent under a spell, a spell which lifted their hours together out of the ordinary space and time of their lives. But that spell has run out. They are once again an Alliance officer and a Cerberus defector pitted against each other in the unfolding of this cycle.

“Yah,” Kaidan replies just as hesitatingly.

“Thank you, for everything,” Shepard says. His gratitude is heartfelt. He glances at Kaidan from the corners of his eyes. His friend is illuminated in soft shades. The light accentuates his familiar, clear-cut features, his full lips, strong chin and warm, brown eyes. _It’s him, it’s really Kaidan_ , Shepard thinks. He still can’t quite believe it. But there are changes in Kaidan’s appearance, too. Those deep worry lines across his forehead, did they used to be there two years ago? Were there quite so many strands of grey in his glossy black hair? It doesn’t matter. He’s still his attractive, energetic self.

“I’m just glad we talked,” Kaidan states. He’s still leaning over the railing, his eyes fixed on the Normandy.

“Me too. But, you really needn’t have come to the docking bay.”

“I had to come see her.” Kaidan lets his gaze slowly wander along the Normandy’s long, sleek body. “She’s still a beauty.”

“That she is,” Shepard agrees.

Kaidan scrunches his eyebrows up in a pained expression. “It hurts to see her like this.” He doesn’t say anything else for a long time, and Shepard doesn’t know how to respond. He understands Kaidan’s pain. He shares it. Deeply, truly shares it.

When he… came back. Everything had changed. Everything was so confusing. He couldn’t begin to understand what had happened to him. Trying to explore it… Alchera. Dying. It wasn’t a place he could allow himself to go yet. What he knew for certain after he came back, though, was that he had lost his old life. He had lost who he used to be. But he didn’t feel entitled to speak of his loss. Everybody just expected him to move on, to act like nothing had happened. To carve out a new identity for himself on the fly. Working with Cerberus meant taking some tough choices. Choices he wasn’t sure he could have taken while still his old self. Destroying a Mass Relay. Wiping out hundreds of thousands of lives. The guilt…

Seeing the Normandy in her new black-and-yellow Cerberus incarnation seems to mirror everything Shepard went through. Is still going through. So yes, Shepard shares Kaidan’s pain. He still doesn’t feel entitled to speak of his own pain, however. Instead, he stays silent.

Eventually, Kaidan shakes his head. “It just feels so wrong, seeing her in those colours.”

“Yeah,” Shepard whispers. “But it won’t be much longer…”

“Pardon?”

Shepard clears his throat and squares his shoulders. “She won’t be wearing those colours for much longer. Our time with Cerberus is almost up. There’s just this one thing left we gotta do.”

“What d’you mean?” Kaidan asks, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“She and I. We’d lost our compass. We got it back now.” Shepard says, and a smile lights up his features.

Kaidan shakes his head, a puzzled look on his face. “I have _no idea_ what you are talking about, Shepard…” He sighs. “It doesn’t matter though. You aren’t gonna tell me what you are up to, I figured that much. But knowing you. I’m not stupid. It’s something big, that’s for certain. Maybe even the Ilos kind of big. I just wish…”

If Shepard didn’t know better, he’d say that the expression on Kaidan’s face was one of _longing_. Shepard certainly feels a longing in his chest. He wants Kaidan to join him. He doesn’t want to embark on the suicide mission without Kaidan, he wants him by his side. It’s the most selfish wish that Shepard has ever harboured in his life. But of course he doesn’t ask. Kaidan would never agree to come. He would never join a Cerberus mission. He couldn’t live with himself if he did, if he acted against what he believed was right. And that’s why Shepard would never ask. He doesn’t want to blemish Kaidan’s integrity. It’s enough that he has utterly lost his own. He just hopes that he can work to redeem himself in Kaidan’s eyes. And one day, one day he might be truly deserving of Kaidan’s friendship again. It is out of this thought that he draws the strength he needs to go on. To push back his doubts, to push back the anxiety over his lost identity, to push against the _horror_ that lurks at the edges of his mind.

He’s got back his compass.

And that’s how he knows that if he makes it back, he won’t continue working for Cerberus. His time as an agent of the Illusive Man is up.

Kaidan clears his throat. “Just. Stay safe. I’ve not forgiven you yet. But…”

 _There is a but?_ Shepard wonders. His heart is beating fast.

“I still want you in my life. We’re good together,” Kaidan says.

That they are. Shepard nods. He hardly dares to breathe. He’s electrified by what he just learnt. Kaidan shifts uncomfortably. They are both reluctant to part. But none of them knows what else to say or do, so Shepard decides he should go now, before the situation turns even more awkward. He turns around and starts walking.

“Shepard.”

“Yah?”

“No more regrets.” Kaidan quickly crosses the distance between them, goes in for the hug, pulls Shepard close until there is no way he could hold him any closer. Shepard squeezes his eyes shut. His body goes limp with relief and he lets himself be embraced fully by Kaidan. He takes a deep breath and inhales the soothing smell of Kaidan’s body.

_One day I will deserve you again._

When Kaidan lets go, Shepard gives him a determined nod. This time he turns around and walks away without looking back.

Suicide mission? Scrap that. It’s just a mission. Damn those Collectors, damn the Reapers. He’s not missing his chance again. Not this time. Not like some two years ago.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forever grateful to my beta-readers for this chapter, humblydefiant and danteswombat :) 
> 
> If you enjoyed reading this, please leave kudos. It would mean so much to me. Or maybe even leave a comment?


End file.
